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Wednesday
: June 30, 2004
So I'm a little off Balance.
Right, well colorado is almost certainly out of the picture.
Seattle is in, as well as hawaii. I went to seattle and met this really awesome guy. He's been a great friend to leanne, and
well, i couldn't help but get along with him as well. I've almost got leanne convinced that we need to transfer. We'd both
have so much fun with ryan. He's just one of those guys you could really learn to love. I know leanne's got a crush on him
too. Someone sent me roses. I'm not really sure who, because there wasn't a name attached. they're beautiful roses though.
I'm really curious as to who knows i'm sick, and who knows my address. everyone i thought it could be i've asked. and they
didn't fess up to it. so... i dunno. It's really nice. Especially since Jack kinda treated me bad. no, he just flat out treated
me bad. He was a complete jerk-off. I don't know why i even waisted my time trying to be his friend. It was completely pointless.
It makes me mad everytime i see a dodge truck.. he drives one. it makes me think of him. I gave him a good piece of my time
too! grr.. i hate men like that. they can't even be your friend with out screwing you emotionally. all i wanted was to be
his friend.. he just couldn't handle me i guess. Not that i blame him. I'm not the easiest person to get along with. Still
it would have been common curtesy for him to tell me to my face instead of dropping off the face of the earth. makes me wonder
about chris.. how many girlfriends he's got. i don't trust him one bit. Then again, i don't trust men in military at all.
now i remember why I avioded men in uniform.I really hope i can move to seattle. It seems like such a fun place to live. And
there are a ton of cool people there. I hope it works out.
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Wednesday: August 13, 2003
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever Survive Life |
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I got
myself into quiet the pickle. I don't have anymore money. I'm stuck with the idea of having to find a third job. which just
plain sucks.I really didn't want to have to do that, but it doesn't look like I have much of a choice anymore. I came up with
the money for my rent, but I don't have the money for my credit card bill ( which is what I use when I buy groceries), nor
do I have the money to change my oil ( which really needs it ), or my air filter. I'm going to be lucky if my car lasts through
the rest of the summer. I don't want to ruin it, but I don't have the money. I have to have the car to get to work and school.
I'm SO screwed.... there is no hope. or at least it feels that way. I really wish that I had rich parents who could pay my
way through college. That would be so nice. I would totally love that. Then I wouldn't have to worry about things so much.
I'm such a worry wart. Worst part is that I feel like a failure in my dance classes. whatever.. life sucks, and I'm getting
used to it. |
Sunday: January 4, 2004
If AC/DC is right then i don't see the point in bothering to be good
anymore. We're on a highway to hell.. and so forth. I think i'm just bitter because i'm out of birthcontrol and i started
my period. Men beware i'm on a rampage. To be honest i just want to not be stressed anymore. I've got school starting tuesday
and i KNOW i don't have all i need for my classes. My dance class is going to want shoes and i don't have any that will work.
my old shoes are too worn out, but if i tell chris i'm buying myself new ballet shoes he wont help me with the rent...
it's a lose lose situation. i'm not looking forward to my jazz class either. it's taught by wendy bone and she can be a witch
sometimes. she gets on this kick about girls who take ballroom dancing. i don't understand it, but i try to avoid mentioning
it at all. it's 7:20 and i'm tired, i want to go to bed, but if i go to bed now i'll sleep through CSI, and be awake all night.
Thursday: June 10, 2004
So now i'm consternated on the idea of moving to Colorado. I know
that I want my own place, but I'm not sure that this is the best way to go about getting it. I know that I really like the
size of the apartment, and I know that I'd be taken care of. Chris would never let me fall under. Question is do I want to
do it all on my own, or do I want to let Chris sign on the lease and help me out. I've been having second thoughts about getting
married to him for a long time. It doesn't help any that he's not willing to stop having sex with me. I will admit that it
feels good. But it's not good for my self discipline. at all. I really don't know. The situation with Danielle doesn't help
either. She opened her big mouth and got me into major trouble. The Dean's office hasn't called back to say what they're doing
about the situation. I guess that means that they're not going to discipline me. of course it took them two weeks to get ahold
of me the last time so I wont hold my breath. Either way it was stupid. Danielle drank, no one else. Yeah we got to grandma's
house AFTER cerfew, but if we had been traveling than it shouldn't have mattered. And we all made sure to let them know that
leanne didn't know the guy was married. Danielle is NOT invited to the next road trip we have. SHe laways gets us into so
much trouble. I feel kinda bad too. We ( leanne and I ) haven't been inviting her over to hang out. My room mate is getting
married to a zoomie... well a soon to be zoomie. He's in the ROTC program. She thinks that she's going to get to go with him
when he goes over sea's for three months. She's showing me the lingerie she bought for they're wedding night. I dunno. She
gets annoying at this stage. Someone kindly remind me how much she sucked when she started getting married. ugh
Sunday: July 11 , 2004
Well Ryan and Ian came to visit this weekend. I was holding back
and telling myself I wasn't interested all weekend. After a couple of things that were said to me by a specific someone I've
started to realize that I am interested. Life is in Ryan and Ian's world is simple. There aren't any secret missions. No security
clearances. People can change their minds with out much ado. It doesn't take permission from the pentagon. And it doesn't
threaten anyone's career. I guess my country bumpkin roots really are showing up. All I want is a simple life, a beach
to have it on and someone to share it with. I don't want to have to ... I don't want to deal with what I've been dealing with
the past couple of years. I'm tired of it. I'm worn out. I'm dying inside and I don't want that to happen. I can't be creative.
I can't even dance because I'm so miserable. Ryan and Ian made me feel alive again. I want to be someone's little sister and
best friend again. I want to live my life the way that I chose. I'm just tired of hating myself because I can't live the principles
and precepts I was taught to live. I don't want to feel like everytime I leave to visit for the weekend I'm whoreing myself
away, and shaming myself before my God. I just want to be happy.
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