Friday: August 2, 2003
Hell has frozen over with Me inside.
Well, after being told by my room mates that I was going to hell
I decided to move into my car. It's not the most comfortable place to be, but I don't really have any other options. Chris
came this weekend, and we went to the air show. It was actually really interesting. Got to see the navy's blue angels's fly.
I almost passed out from heat exhaustion. I can tell i'm not wanted here. It's hard to take sometimes. I want to be working
more hours, but they can't seem to give them to me. It's very frustrating. I'm not making enough money to survive on. I need
to find a new job. I'll give it till the end of august. Either way it sucks to be here. Things were said that really hurt,
and there's no way anyone can take them back. I will give steph the E for effort. she apologised. The words still hurt. and
they were still said. I really don't belong here. And i'm learning that the hard way. I really wish that God would help me
to understand why i AM here. Help me to understand what in the world He wants me to be doing right now. I don't want to go
to school anymore. I want to get married and start a family. But the one person I'd enjoy doing that with wont get his act
together so I can. I don't know. maybe God is just testing me to see if I can hold out and do what I'm told with out any reason.
That or He just wants to see me go nuts.. which is working. I'm living in my car for crying out loud!
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Wednesday: August 13, 2003
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever Survive Life |
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I got
myself into quiet the pickle. I don't have anymore money. I'm stuck with the idea of having to find a third job. which just
plain sucks.I really didn't want to have to do that, but it doesn't look like I have much of a choice anymore. I came up with
the money for my rent, but I don't have the money for my credit card bill ( which is what I use when I buy groceries), nor
do I have the money to change my oil ( which really needs it ), or my air filter. I'm going to be lucky if my car lasts through
the rest of the summer. I don't want to ruin it, but I don't have the money. I have to have the car to get to work and school.
I'm SO screwed.... there is no hope. or at least it feels that way. I really wish that I had rich parents who could pay my
way through college. That would be so nice. I would totally love that. Then I wouldn't have to worry about things so much.
I'm such a worry wart. Worst part is that I feel like a failure in my dance classes. whatever.. life sucks, and I'm getting
used to it. |
Sunday: January 4, 2004
If AC/DC is right then i don't see the point in bothering to be good
anymore. We're on a highway to hell.. and so forth. I think i'm just bitter because i'm out of birthcontrol and i started
my period. Men beware i'm on a rampage. To be honest i just want to not be stressed anymore. I've got school starting tuesday
and i KNOW i don't have all i need for my classes. My dance class is going to want shoes and i don't have any that will work.
my old shoes are too worn out, but if i tell chris i'm buying myself new ballet shoes he wont help me with the rent...
it's a lose lose situation. i'm not looking forward to my jazz class either. it's taught by wendy bone and she can be a witch
sometimes. she gets on this kick about girls who take ballroom dancing. i don't understand it, but i try to avoid mentioning
it at all. it's 7:20 and i'm tired, i want to go to bed, but if i go to bed now i'll sleep through CSI, and be awake all night.
Thursday: June 10, 2004
So now i'm consternated on the idea of moving to Colorado. I know
that I want my own place, but I'm not sure that this is the best way to go about getting it. I know that I really like the
size of the apartment, and I know that I'd be taken care of. Chris would never let me fall under. Question is do I want to
do it all on my own, or do I want to let Chris sign on the lease and help me out. I've been having second thoughts about getting
married to him for a long time. It doesn't help any that he's not willing to stop having sex with me. I will admit that it
feels good. But it's not good for my self discipline. at all. I really don't know. The situation with Danielle doesn't help
either. She opened her big mouth and got me into major trouble. The Dean's office hasn't called back to say what they're doing
about the situation. I guess that means that they're not going to discipline me. of course it took them two weeks to get ahold
of me the last time so I wont hold my breath. Either way it was stupid. Danielle drank, no one else. Yeah we got to grandma's
house AFTER cerfew, but if we had been traveling than it shouldn't have mattered. And we all made sure to let them know that
leanne didn't know the guy was married. Danielle is NOT invited to the next road trip we have. SHe laways gets us into so
much trouble. I feel kinda bad too. We ( leanne and I ) haven't been inviting her over to hang out. My room mate is getting
married to a zoomie... well a soon to be zoomie. He's in the ROTC program. She thinks that she's going to get to go with him
when he goes over sea's for three months. She's showing me the lingerie she bought for they're wedding night. I dunno. She
gets annoying at this stage. Someone kindly remind me how much she sucked when she started getting married. ugh
Monday: July 7, 2003
Surf, Sun, Sand. . . Did I Leave anything Out?
Some times I wonder why God even bothers. I've never had a healthy
relationship and I think it'll change now?! There's a really nice guy at home who surfs. He's willing to put up with the fact
that I suck. I dunno. He seems nice enough. Then there's chris. And i'm still not sure what's going on there. I really don't
think he's the right one, but he's so sure of it. I'm happy when he's around on a regular basis, but we always go farther
than i want to. It's really becoming a big issue to me. This guy doesn't seem any better about it. I think I just want a new
relationship.